Some years ago, I met a guy named Dave at Hedonism II in Jamaica. For those of you who don’t know, “Hedo” is a clothing optional resort with strong swinger tendencies. Not everyone who goes is a nudist, not everyone who goes is a swinger, but those who are both have a lot of f**kin’ fun. I happened to be single the last time I was there, and all I say is what happens at Hedo stays at Hedo.
Dave was/is a good looking guy, single, and found a lot of women to “play” with. I happened to notice all of the women he played with were about 10 years older than him, married, and their husbands watched. He spent about 10-20 minutes chatting with the couple, and then got down to business. If things weren’t happening after 20 minutes and often sooner, he moved on to the next couple. He was smooth, personable, and wasted no time. In the many years I’ve studied swinger behaviors, I can only think of one other guy I met in the lifestyle who had game like Dave.
Being a single lady, I knew I didn’t fit into Dave’s niche, so when I found him alone in the hot tub, I decided to learn what I could, and was amazed to discover he was not only a seasoned swinger, but he had a career as a porn star, had written a book, traveled around the world, and was scary smart.
He told me he avoids single women in the lifestyle because he found most are usually bat-sh*t crazy, full of drama, and want to claim him and own him, and that’s why he sticks with married couples. The women ARE already taken, and he ends up becoming “the dream come true” for the women he hooks up with, and he gets a thrill watching the guys face as he takes the wife. He’s what I call the “Hit It, and Quit It” kind of guy, Love em and Leave em. Only he’s never around quite long enough to “love” them, and that is his choice.
He then told me he wrote a book called Obscene Thoughts: A Pornographer's Perspective on Sex, Love, and Dating. I read it, and after 10 years in the lifestyle, I learned something. One of the biggest takeaways for me, was how he used pizza as an analogy for monogamy, paraphrased below:
Jack and Jill get together. They agree that every night, they are only going to eat at Pizza Hut. They do this for years, and there’s no issue until Jack goes on a work trip. Jack’s co-workers are headed to Pizzeria Uno, and they invite Jack to join them. Jack checks in with Jill, who says “but you promised me you’d only eat at Pizza Hut.” Jill gets upset so Jack goes to Pizza Hut by himself, with the feeling that he’s missing out.
Jack goes on another work trip a few months down the road, only this time his work associates are going to a fine steakhouse. Jack hasn’t had steak in years because HE and Jill have only eaten at Pizza Hut. He remembers the Pizzeria Uno incident and how upset Jill got, but he doesn’t want to miss out on the steak. He ends up going and doesn’t tell Jill about it. If Jill doesn’t find out…sweet! NOW Jack can get some variety. If Jill does find out…Jack will deal with that when it happens.
Jack continues to eat at different restaurants WHILE Jill stays with Pizza Hut. One day, Jill finds a receipt from another restaurant, and the arguments start. Jill starts a downward spiral of “what’s wrong with Pizza Hut,” and Jack starts a downward spiral of “guilt” because Pizza Hut was good, but he needs a little variety. Jill starts accusing Jack of being unfaithful and a liar, simply because he wanted something different. Jack becomes defensive and/or withdrawn, because he doesn’t want to admit he was “weak” for wanting to eat at another restaurant. Jill doesn’t know if she can trust Jack again because he fell down on his promise to only eat at Pizza Hut. Neither Jack or Jill are bad people…they simply made an agreement to eat at the same restaurant for the rest of their lives.
Now - I know that pizza and people aren’t the same, but what is the same is that some people crave stability, while others crave variety. Some people are perfectly happy eating at the same restaurant the rest of their lives, while others need a different restaurant every now and then, and others, like Dave, never want to eat at the same place twice.
Society has indoctrinated us that “monogamy” should be the gold standard for a relationship. Monogamy is VIRTUE. Everything that is not “monogamy” is bad, evil, disrespectful, deceptive, and unethical. Talk shows blow this out of proportion with audience members giving advice like “You need to lose that zero and get you a hero” and “You don’t deserve him/her.” Those who fall below that mark are shunned, made to feel guilty, and denounced as liars and cheaters. Are they liars and cheaters? Perhaps. Did they mean to be liars and cheaters? Not necessarily. Were they being upheld to a nearly impossible standard to maintain? Yes. Jack wanted a little variety, and didn’t intend to hurt his partner’s feelings, but he got stuck trying to uphold the pass/fail black/white virtue of “monogamy.” It’s really hard to tell your partner/spouse that while you love their “pizza,” every now and then you’d like to enjoy a good steak. It doesn’t mean you want it all the time, but a little variety once in A WHILE is good. The partner then self reflects, “But…what’s wrong with me?” Probably, and usually nothing is wrong with them. Sexual preferences aren’t aligning…and the downward spiral begins.
I have done a lot of research on swingers over the past 10 years, but I’ll be the first to tell you that “ethical non-monogamy” is not for everyone. Some people are perfectly content to eat at the same restaurant, but many people are not. Expecting someone to eat at the same restaurant for the rest of their lives can be just as damaging as expecting someone to eat at a different restaurant every night. Sometimes these people find each other and try to make a relationship - and it doesn’t always work unless someone is willing compromise.
Should you find yourself in a similar predicament, take a moment to acknowledge and honor your lifestyle preferences ahead of time. Finding a partner compatible with your preferences can help eliminate some heartache down the road. Also - recognize that your “diet” may need to change over time. It’s quite possible that 10 years ago, a steady diet of pizza was all you needed to be happy. Today, you may find yourself a little tired of pizza and looking for healthier options for your matured soul. It doesn’t mean pizza was once good and is now bad, it just means you need other foods to nourish yourself at this time.
And now…it’s time for me to take a little break, because I need variety every now and then. After working 18 hour days, 6 days a week for 2 months with all of our moving, I’m headed out of town and returning to the office October 11th. See you then!
These are interesting points. I can imagine how well this thinking could work if both parties are open to this way of thinking. It makes me thing of Will Smith and Jada Smith. He claims they are both happy in an open marriage. If they are, that's great. However, in the interview I saw the "energy" I picked up on was one of extortion, rather than delight. My sense of it was, Jada P. Smith either has "something" to hold over Will Smith, or he is terrified of all the money he would have to relinquish if she dumped him.