I’m wrapping up a tumultuous few weeks that have been nothing but GO-GO-GO. I’m tired and unable to get caught up because I've been at Hypnothoughts this past week. Hypnothoughts is the world's largest hypnosis conference, and I'm teaching and taking classes there. I'm having a great time, but at the end of the day, my body tells me I'm doing too much. I need to start saying “NO.”
Did you ever say yes to something you damn well know you didn’t have time to do and immediately think, “Why did I do that?” Do you say yes to projects when you’re already running on empty, so you know you can’t do your best? Are you overworked, overstressed, and anxious because you constantly agree to things you don’t agree with? Do you commit to things, then flake at the last minute because you never really wanted to go in the first place? Yep! I know the feeling, and if you're reading this, you probably do too!
You are likely afraid of disappointing people. You probably worry constantly about what people are thinking of you. No matter how hard or well you work, you probably worry that it’s not enough. You probably feel responsible for how other people feel. If someone is in a bad mood, you probably wonder if it’s something you said. So you over-commit yourself to things. You take on so much that you care for everyone else, not yourself. This leaves you emotionally exhausted and anxious.
Every time you say “yes” when you mean “no,” you’re letting people disrespect your boundaries. These people mostly mean no harm. How do they know you aren’t willing to do something if you don’t communicate it to them? When this happens, though, when you have poor boundaries because you haven’t worked to set them, you feel “resentment, anger, and burnout.” Because you end up doing things you’re unwilling to do, or others end up doing things that make you uncomfortable. They keep doing these things because they’ve never had any reason to believe it’s not ok. They usually don’t realize they’re overstepping a boundary. Either way, it’s up to you to change this.
The Roots Of People Pleasing
So where do these people-pleasing tendencies come from? The eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. We hope that saying “yes” to everything will make us feel more accepted and liked. The implications of this statement are striking -- if you say yes to things too often, this could stem from you not feeling like you’re inherently “enough.” Your worth is tied to arbitrary measures, like whether or not people like you.
This isn’t an easy pill to swallow, but it makes sense. Why else would you say yes to things you don’t want to? Why else would you say yes to things that go against your well-being?
How Do You Start Saying No
The first step to changing any behavior is to identify it. You need to cultivate self-awareness. You can do this by journaling, seeing your friendly, local neighborhood therapist, or meditating. Reflection is a necessary component of building self-awareness. Building a habit of reflection will help you become more and more cognizant of your actions as you do them. Know what you’re doing and why.
When you say “yes,” is it because you feel pressured? Do you feel obligated even though you know no concrete obligation is in place? Examine how you feel during these exchanges. You can also ask yourself how you would feel if you said “no.” This can be enlightening and help you identify your feelings.
Identify Where These Tendencies And Feelings Stem From
If you’re a people pleaser, it’s probably because you were conditioned to be one from a young age. Examining your past and discovering where these tendencies and feelings come from can be very helpful in breaking the habit. Because we can only see the world through our perspective, it’s easy to confuse what is objective reality with our perception of events.
For example, this is essentially the basis of the well-documented phenomenon of culture shock. You realize that many of your assumptions, habits, and boundaries are not universal givens but the product of the culture you were raised in.
The point is, when you realize when and how you inherited or picked up certain tendencies, it gives you the power to analyze objectively.
You can see, “Oh, things don’t have to be this way. These feelings are just a result of my experiences. Just because I feel like I’m letting everyone down doesn’t mean I am in reality.” It pulls back the curtain a bit on your tendencies and demystifies the emotions behind them. This gives you a more objective lens to tackle your people-pleasing habit.
Remember, it’s not selfish to take care of yourself first.
You’re in a better place to do genuinely nice things for people when you aren’t taken for granted and have the energy to do nice things because you want to, not because you feel like you have to earn approval. Not only does this make your actions more sincere, but it means you’ll feel better about it. You won’t harbor any resentment.
And finally, you need to start accepting yourself. You need to remind yourself that you are enough. Your value doesn’t depend on what others think (or don’t think) of you. Once you start accepting yourself, you’ll find you take better care of yourself and others. You’ll do things because you want to because it aligns with your values. You’ll stop running yourself into the ground trying to make everyone like you.
Not everyone will like you. That’s just how it is. And you can’t control who likes you anyway, even if you do everything “right.” Start accepting yourself and being unabashedly authentic. You’ll find yourself in a much better, happier mental state because you’ll be a better, more robust version of yourself.
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